theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
