my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
