i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize