Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
