i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize