i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Randomize
