Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
