wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
