Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
