i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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