make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
