mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize