And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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