I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
