You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize