In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
