i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
