I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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