you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
i out mim tonsoeep
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