I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
