i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
