I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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