We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We need a shit load of segways right now
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
