He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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