When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
