My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
