I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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