i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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