She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
