Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
