Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
