Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
