I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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