am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
