I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize