Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
