I just cut my nipple shaving
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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