if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
MIDGETS
????
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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