Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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