he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
