Where did you get a picture of my penis
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
