I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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