Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dick very happy bro
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
