Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize