He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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