I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
