This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
