I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
