I looked at my own cervix.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
