woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize