I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The beer is more important than you right now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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