I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
