he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
