i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
