i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
