You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize