On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
