Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
